Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Bang-go a NO NO

Every now and then you are presented with a clothing item that makes you feel physically ill for two reasons.
1. Because it is so damn ugly that it makes the weird-looking baby on the children's Nurofen ad look like he could work for Anne Geddes.
2. Because you know in your heart of hearts that some group of shmucks is going to think that it's the greatest invention ever and it will take over the world (think bum bag).
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you - The Bang-Go.

Designed for rich North Shore tennis-playing mothers with awful haircuts to wear while they pick up their ugly fat rich children in ugly enormous 4wds after playing a quick game of tennis (read- get drunk with other rich North Shore mothers and talk about Nadal's ass).

Their website, claims "This is the cap for those who believe they don't look good in caps."
I have news for you. If you don't look good in a cap, there is no way in hell you are going to look any better in this piece of vomit-inducing apparel.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

HATE '08 // RATE '08

HATE '08

Tights worn in the place of pants
Tights are not pants. They are tights. No one on the planet has a hot camel toe. Acceptable only in the instance of dressing up as Olivia Newton-John at Grease-themed parties.

The Recoil
The process by which one's boyfriend disappears for extended period of time immediately following meaningful moment. Length of recoil is directly proportionate to exactly how meaningful said moment was.

Being stalked.
Leaving your phone number at a Virgin Megastore to order a Mighty Boosh DVD apparently constitutes invitation to be phone stalked. People who have not had stalkers think that they are cool and exciting. People who have actually been stalked carry their keys between their fingers for stabbing out eyes.

Prepay buses
A bus, I thought, is designed to take you from A to B, as long as you pay your fare. WRONG. Buses are designed to generate extreme frustration by not letting you on unless you pass a retina scan. You also cannot drink coffee on board, but are allowed to smell like urine.

Food regret
Most commonly experienced after eating yum cha, spaghetti/salad combos from foodcourts or chicken karage from the Newtown sushi train. Related syndromes include video regret and restaurant meal envy.

Sushi tray as canapé
A toothpick-sized bit of cucumber wrapped in four grains of rice, encased in a tally-ho sheet worth of seaweed does not equal a canapé, you yuppie bastards. Bring back the mini quiche and party pies!

Indian restaurants collapsing on our laundry
Sorry for your loss Indian Chilli, but your unexpected downfall meant I had to wear my emergency panties for the next two days.

Facebook over myspace
Self-indulgence wins again! Don't you remember how much fun it was discovering new bands? No? Ok.

Crush deflation
Bah! Why are people never as amazing/romantic/hilarious/good-looking/infatuated with you, as they are in your imagination?

Ice / ice day:
Ice day – also know as “the day before dole day” is now a momentous occasion on my fortnightly calendar. Since the ICE epidemic became, well, an epidemic, I no longer walk to work every second Thursday – but run. Ducking from the wild eyed-Skeleton-faced-strength-of-three-men-plastic-bag-carrying-rubbish-bin-rifling, ICE fiends, who hurl abuse and often their rubbish filled bags at me, whilst trying to scratch my eyes out with their yellowing fingernails. In the short of things – ICE IS FUCKED!

Love/Hate relationship with Smoking Laws:
So we all know smoking causes cancer, makes your lungs look like that putrid picture on the side of the cigarette box, kills babies and probably small animals. And boy was I relieved when they banned it from clubs and pubs – cause surely that was going to make me stop my 10-year “social smoking” habit? But it hasn’t - has it! I now have to huddle outside on a street corner, with half the crowd from the venue like a freaking leper that is being TAXED for my filthy habit. Now I’m dying of cancer and all with a bunch of weirdos on a street corner outside Pony at 3am!

Yes, this does refer the Lanyard Hierarchy at Festivals, created by publicists who want to inflict pain on all those who only have “photo pit” access but not “photo stage” access. What the fuck?

A certain festival this year used colourful FRUIT to put you in your Lan-archy place. If you had a pineapple or banana on your Lanyard, you were like King of the motherfucking Festival Jungle. If you had an apple– it may have kept the doctor away - but it kept the after party even further. Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand the need for a structured Lanarchy at festivals – can you imagine the chaos if all the Pineapples could have side of stage access?!
But dear god, there is nothing more demeaning than having a security guard take a look at your Lannie at 2am at the front of a line for an afterparty and tell you straight faced “pffft sorry no Apples allowed in here...”!

RATE '08

Everyone having babies
Bellies have been ballooning worldwide with baby joy and as a result some amazing things have started happening in the world: Christina is no longer a whore, Nicole (Ritchie) -no longer a skeletal heroin addict, Nicole (Kidman) - no longer a hermaphrodite, Jamie-Lynne Spears- no longer a nobody, Salma Hayek and Halle Berry- no longer depressingly perfect and Matthew Mcconaughey – no longer Gay.

I officially want to have a baby …

Kevin 07 making way for Gillard 2010
Oh my god. My entire generation had an orgasm when John Howard was finally kicked to his racist-1950’s-policy-female-hating-how-the-hell-did-a-man-with-a-thrirteen-percent-popularity-rating-get-voted-in-in-the-first-place – curb!!! And was ousted by a man who looked like Tin Tin and who has visited a strip club on at least one confirmed occasion. He started with Kyoto and is drafting up the reconciliation papers as we speak…. Here’s to Kevin 07 in 08!! And yes all those paying attention (all 20 of us nerds) know he couldn’t have done it without Gillard winning him support in the party - I love a chick that speaks like a Bogan, but has the brains of a barrister – Here’s to Gillard 2010!

Rabbit - the forgotten meat:
So over Christmas, I was fed Turkey, Ham, Pork, Chicken and Lamb. All sublime cuts of meat I must admit. Nonetheless I was disappointed that rabbit was completely overlooked. My Dad is usually the bearer of all things rabbit. Rabbit stew, casserole, and the sublime rabbit in white sauce. And don’t be ripped off by those markets selling them at $12 a pop. Just grab a ferret and go rabbit-ing (my Dad goes on a fortnightly basis if you want to get in on the event) . So it's free, fat free and freeing the countryside of vermin. Put your memories of the beloved Hunny Bunny in your past. Rabbit is the bomb!

Cookbooks/baking on the weekend/potatoes
I borrowed a potato cookbook from my friend mid last year and still haven't given it back. I've already made a tart and some scones using it. Potatoes are so versatile.

The many faces of haloumi cheese
Haloumi is truly the cheese of the gods. The first time my new boyfriend cooked for me, he made me haloumi baked with fresh tomatoes and garlic. Until then I had only ever considered haloumi to be a delicious salad addition or breakfast side, not a main. Needless to say, my boyfriend got lucky that night.

Indie kids loving hip hop
Things don't get much better/hilarious than watching a 19-year-old white kid from Mosman getting down to E40 on a Friday night. Thank you OAF.

Leslie Gore
"Sometimes, oh sometimes, I wish I were a boy!" Enough said, go out and buy her entire back-catalogue. NOW!

I don't care what anybody says, Muscles' music makes me want to get naked in the rain, party-pash strangers, sing loudly, hold your hand and/or dance on top of tables.

People from Melbourne
are infinitely cooler than most people from Sydney. Sorry. It's true. They're much more easygoing and understand the value of substance over style - while still understanding the importance of style. We're totally LA and Melbourne is totally New York. If the weather wasn't so screwy, I'd totally live there. Totally.

Genius Duck
Small radio in the shape of duck. Bought from random Asian supermarket with packaging just as, if not more, hilarious than the Genius Duck itself. Warns that one should "Avoid danget by keeping chitgen away from the bettery door."

Iceblocks in cocktails

Great substitute for lazy people who never fill up their ice cube trays or move into new houses and try to see how long they can survive without a fridge. Frosty Fruits and Calippos work best.

Google images as means of communication
For when you can't be bothered explaining to your flat mate again why you hate Kate Dearaugo from Australian Idol. Sometimes you just need a picture of a sleeping person with their ears bleeding.

Goon pride
No longer just for the hobo, wine in a box is highly sought after party parapernalia now. Goon sack can be easily smuggled into a club by hiding in ones jacket pocket/cleavage/hat. Box can be placed over the head with new face drawn on in texta, for avoiding conversations with members of the Red Riders.

Food at the Vanguard
Untapped resource of delicious. Go one night when a cheap loser singer/songwriter is playing and order the blue swimmer crab or the pork belly. You will be amazed by the taste, they will be amazed to have an audience – its win win. Also put some in your handbag to give me later. Thank you in advance.

Where does Babby come from?
This made us cry with laughter. Thank you Jed.

Step one: Read the question and the first answer -
Hilarious link part one

Then step two: Watch this -
Hilarious link part two

Over and out.
Stay tuned for more amazing wisdom coming your way.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

The NFF has arrived.

Get ready. Put your gumboots on.